She Knew
by rosekatxo
Summary: Oneshot based on S19 E37 (obviously heavy spoilers). Just a little something I'd like to have seen between Jac and Morven, the two people closest to Jasmine, as they struggle to cope with the day's events.


**A/N: so… I'm sure I'm not the only one well and truly broken from last night's episode. I saw it coming, but I still wasn't prepared for just how painful it really was (and I'm struggling to accept that I'll never see my favourite sisters interact again). I wrote this mostly of myself, just to try and offload some of my feelings but I thought I'd post it anyway in case it helps anyone else. It's not great and I probably won't be happy with it by tomorrow, but I just needed to get things off my chest. Also, sorry for any mistakes, like I said it's pretty rushed so it's nowhere near perfect. I will be continuing to post oneshots (mostly happy au's) when I can get back into writing them properly without wanting to cry, and I'll hopefully be uploading the next chapter of Protection soon (I had I half-written before the spoilers came out and haven't been able to finish it yet). So yeah, I hope this helps in some way and I'll be back properly soon.**

 **For Jasmine Burrows, the sweetest angel who brought so much light into all of our lives and who deserved the world.**

Morven shivered involuntarily as she stepped out into the night, clasping her arms tighter around herself. Although midnight was fast approaching, there was only a gentle breeze around, the last remnants of the balmy midsummer day that had become such an awful blur. There was a kind of irony in that, she thought. One of the most beautiful days of the year, ultimately tainted by darkness and devastation. Absent-mindedly she rubbed her arms as she continued to walk across the hospital grounds, supposing the shivers must not be weather-related but after-effects of the shock that had not yet begun to wear off. That night had been one of the worst of her life, she'd witnessed things she'd never be able to unsee and experienced feelings she'd never wanted to feel ever again, feelings that were sadly all too familiar.

It had barely been a year since the last time she'd had her heart broken, when she'd kissed goodbye to Arthur for the last time. And now, here she was again, having lost her best friend and the only other person she'd ever truly loved. It seemed like the world was mocking her, taunting her – taking away everything she'd ever had and leaving her alone once again, except this time round she really had nothing left. Of course, her colleagues had all offered comfort and put their own grief aside to ensure she was okay. She'd spent the best part of the evening crying onto somebody's shoulders, mainly Fletch who had taken her to one side as soon as they'd rushed Jasmine into theatre and held her as she sobbed for what felt like hours. But after Hanssen's announcement, AAU was the last place she wanted to be and the hospital felt stifling. She'd taken refuge in the bathroom for a while, then the locker room, but everyone's concern had become overwhelming and she'd fled the ward. She had no idea how long she'd been wandering aimlessly for, or even where she was going, but the fresh air was a welcome relief and allowed her to breathe properly again.

Snapping back to reality, Morven glanced around to figure out where she'd ended up. She wasn't at all surprised to find herself approaching Arthur's bench – after all, this was where she always came to escape from her problems. It was her safe place. However, before she could get close enough to sit down, the brunette noticed another figure shrouded by darkness, huddled into a corner of the bench, out of sight from any passers-by. Somebody else had come here to grieve. Instinctively she knew there was only one person who would've gone to seek solace out there, and as she moved closer the glimmer of red hair in the moonlight confirmed her suspicions.

Rooted to the ground, Morven anxiously considered her options. Although this was _her_ place, she didn't have the heart to intrude on Jac's grief after what she'd witnessed that night. It had been unbearable to watch the consultant trying desperately to save her sister, begging Jasmine to stay with her, transforming before their very eyes into the vulnerable and broken woman she never usually allowed any of them to see. _She's just lost her sister_ , Morven sighed. She didn't have it in her to hurt the woman any more than she already had been. No, she'd just have to make a quick exit and hope that Jac hadn't noticed her – she was sure she'd crumble against the older woman's questioning in her fragile state. Making her decision, Morven turned quietly to leave. But before she could take another step, a quiet voice spoke.

'Stay.'

The younger woman looked back in shock. She had been sure that Jac was too wrapped up in her own mind and she couldn't blame her, but the last thing she'd expected was for the consultant to actually welcome her presence. Everyone knew she preferred her own company – she was the self-professed Ice Queen after all, and Morven had heard endless tales (mostly from Jasmine herself) of how emotionally closed-off the redhead was. But Jac had definitely just asked her to stay, and who was she to walk away from her after everything?

'I, um…' Morven stumbled over her words as she approached the bench once again, catching a glimpse of Jac's face in the moonlight and struggling to refrain from gasping out loud. The older woman looked empty, there was no other word for it. Her eyes were vacant and unblinking, staring straight ahead but seeing nothing. Her makeup was smudged, a far cry from the usually poised consultant Morven was used to seeing around the hospital, the hair framing her face matted with tears and what was almost certainly Jasmine's blood. Morven choked back the lump in her throat as she realised the woman was shaking – no way could she leave her alone like this. Taking a deep breath, she sat down beside Jac, sitting far enough away so that she didn't feel too invasive but was hopefully close enough to offer some comfort.

'This was the last place I saw her alive before the accident.' Jac's voice was so hoarse and broken it pained Morven to listen, her devastation evident as she spoke. The brunette didn't reply, choosing instead to let Jac open up on her own terms. 'We argued. She was trying to help me. I pushed her away. I told her I didn't care about her. And now it's too late.'

Morven couldn't sit by and watch the redhead torture herself like this, she had to try to soothe the consultant's pain somehow and seizing her chance, she replied. 'She knew, Jac. She knew you cared about her, no argument can change that. I promise you, she knew.' At this Jac turned to face her, tears cascading down her face and dripping messily onto her hoodie in an unsually open display of emotion.

'But I never told her. I never told her I loved her and now she's gone.' Jac had almost made it to the end of her sentence when her voice broke, sobs overcoming her as the heartbreaking reality of their situation hit. Her cries echoed into the night as Morven dug her nails into her palms, willing herself not to break down too. Pushing away her feelings towards the woman who'd always intimidated her, the younger doctor reached over and grasped Jac's hand in hers, relieved when she didn't break contact but instead clung to her just as tightly. A few seconds passed in silence as both women fought to control their emotions, drawing strength from each other. When Morven had managed to compose herself, she spoke determinedly.

'Look, I knew Jasmine better than anyone in this hospital, and there are two things I know for certain. One, that finally getting to know you and forming a relationship made her the happiest she'd been in a long time. And two, that she knew you loved her, even if you were too afraid to show it.' She squeezed the redhead's hand, hoping she could offer at least some comfort. Silence fell over the pair for a few seconds, before Jac found her voice again. 'I hope so.'

They sat there for a while longer, neither woman speaking, each lost in their own thoughts. Their hands were still interlinked, and Morven could only assume Jac appreciated the comfort as she'd made no attempt to pull away. Letting her mind wander, she began to reminisce absent-mindedly.

'When Arthur died I used to come here all the time, it was the only place I really let myself grieve for him. I was so lost after he left, so alone. And then Jas came along, and she brought so much sunshine with her. I felt like maybe it was a sign, like she'd come into my life right when I needed her the most. She helped me get back to some kind of normality and I could never thank her enough for that. But now they're both gone, and I'm right back where I started except now I have nothing left.'

As the younger girl finished, she heard Jac inhale sharply beside her. 'Oh god, Morven, I'm so sorry. I didn't even think.' Morven felt the consultant's cold hand being removed from her grasp as Jac reached up to smooth her hair, pulling her into her side and rocking her gently as she began to cry once more. Jac was certain she'd never felt pain like this before, but she couldn't imagine how the girl beside her was able to put on a brave face when she'd lost everything in such a short space of time.

A few moments later, once Morven has calmed down somewhat, Jac spoke up again. 'Listen, I think we both need to get out of here soon. God knows today has been exhausting. Will you be ok getting home?' The brunette closed her eyes and sighed. 'I think I'll just stay in the on-call room tonight, I can't face going back to the flat without her.'

Jac shook her head sadly. 'No, of course not. But staying here isn't going to help. I think you should come back to mine for the night, until you get things sorted tomorrow. You shouldn't be alone tonight.'

'Neither should you,' Morven replied.

'Well, that's settled then. You'll come with me. I doubt either of us will be getting much sleep anyway, but at least you won't have to face things just yet.'

Offering Morven her hand, Jac slowly eased herself off the bench, wincing at the aches she felt all over her body. As they made their way back across to the bright lights of the hospital, Jac wondered how Jasmine would feel knowing that she'd opened up to the younger girl and fought through her usual defence mechanisms. This time, she didn't need Morven to tell her that Jasmine would be proud of her. She already knew.


End file.
